THE WANDERER IS OFF AGAIN...this time to Florida. My mom was recently put on hospice care in the nursing home she is in about an hour from Jacksonville, FL. That doesn't mean they expect her to die right away, but the signs of some of the systems of her body shutting down are there. Her mind is nearly gone already. She usually knows who we are, but carrying on a conversation with her like we once were able to is about impossible. In many ways, this designation is anticlimactic.

I cried when I visited a couple of Christmas seasons ago (2004?) and realized she would never be walking again, her memory was fading fast and the vibrant, alert mother I had known was rapidly disappearing. It was a difficult Christmas that year as we sat in the chapel of her retirement community after struggling up the stairs to hear their presentation of Messiah. As we settled in our seats--she in her wheelchair and I in my chair and I relaxed from the stress of trying to get her in the door (we were a few minutes late) I let the words and music pour over me. I remembered the many Christmases I had been with my daughters and husband either singing or listening to Messiah. The tears flowed and I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw that she was blank. She couldn't seem to figure out what was happening. There would be no more visits to catch up on people we had known over the years. She couldn't write anymore or keep up on her email or discuss books or ideas. It was all too confusing for her. The mother I knew was gone. Each visit since then, she disappears a little more.

That was also my first Christmas away from long time friends. I had lived in TX for 16 years--a long time for me. My husband had retired from that church and we were temporarily filling in for a church outside of Peoria, IL. There was little there that was familiar. No one there knew my family, my children, my mom or carl. I felt as lonely as one could feel. I guess that is what the spiritual Sometimes I Feel like a Motherless Child is talking about--a loneliness like no other. Your mother is the repository of family history, family memories (even though her perspective is different!) and so much more. My father had been dead since 1973...and his death was sudden. When we went home to visit, we saw my mother and caught up on all these people she wrote for years! Many of them I never met, just saw their pictures in college year books from King's College. Others had been friends from various mission fields or supporting friends. I hadn't known many of them well because I came to the U.S. for high school when my parents went overseas to Costa Rica when I was in ninth grade. I didn't speak enough spanish to be able to go to school in Spanish. Of course, my growing up years were difficult just as everyone else's. I did many things differently with my children...sometimes not as differently as I thought at the time.

Anyway, this really is a ramble...my youngest sister born when I was almost 20, is coming to see my mom during a school break in Amsterdam. My other sister and I decided to join her and try to ease the pain of what may be her last visit with mom. I have no idea what to expect of this week. I do imagine that it will probably be an emotional week. I don't feel up to the challenge...AT ALL. Right now, I am beat in almost every way. My 91 yr. old stepfather has had some new problems recently so I have no idea what challenges will be put on us because of some of his needs. It will be quite a week. I need any prayer that is offered for me.